Issue date: 9/22/04 Section: Opinion

Lately, I've been questioning whether or not I have really tried to experience everything the college life offers. It has been bothering me so much, that I had a dream the other night of how my following night should go. Don't forget this is just a dream!

I strolled into the club knowing that I was the man, wearing my hundred-dollar button-down shirt that's drenched in the cheapest cologne. Looking so good, I promised myself that I would leave with a girl that had more cleavage than Pam Anderson and an ass tighter than an Olympic gymnast.

Making my way onto the dance floor, doing Terror Squad's "lean back" move, I was serving people left and right. All of a sudden, every cute girl began making their way toward me. Was there a sign on my back reading, "giving away Louis Vuitton purses" or were they attracted to the bulge in my pants, created by too much change in my wallet? Either way, I certainly wasn't complaining. After selectively choosing the girl who closely matched my prior criteria, she approached and asked if I would like a drink at the bar. This was perfect, as I had yet to even buy this girl a drink and she was already anxious to get back to my place.

We jump into a cab and make the trip out to Brighton. When we arrive, the meter read a $9.87 charge. I hand the cab driver a ten-dollar bill, leaving him a 13-cent tip, which makes him very happy. Once inside, that's when I really try to work my magic on this gorgeous girl. While attempting to sweet talk her, she interrupts me and places two fingers over my mouth. She proceeds to tell me that the small talk isn't going anywhere, and that I should just take her upstairs to the penthouse suite where we can get to know one another.

Get to know one another, huh? If I didn't know any better, I would've thought I was at the Bunny Ranch and not my apartment. So we proceeded upstairs and definitely got to know one another, up close and personal.

Just as I finished taking care of business, Vince Vaughn, sitting at my bedside, said, "You know who's the big winner? Mikey's the big winner!"

Wow, what a dream! Although it will be difficult for my Thursday to go that well, I'm going to try very hard to make it happen.

I want to leave all of you with a little advice; if you haven't learned enough already. If you have a dream similar to this, I urge you to go out and make that fantasy become a reality.

You'll thank me later.

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