Issue date: 12/1/04 Section: Opinion

It was an early Friday morning, me and the open road, with barely any cars on the road. Where were all of the other cars you ask. Every person is at Wal-Mart and the local shopping mall, waiting to wreak havoc in the aisles while juggling their children, televisions, appliances and toys. You better believe I was the guy trampling old ladies to get a $30 DVD player and I was definitely the guy who reaped the savings from the Thanksgiving giveaways.

Despite my painful hangover from Wild Turkey and my new gut from all the turkey and fixings, I rolled out of bed (literally) and made my way to the local mall.

Upon my arrival, I was welcomed by a mile-long line at the mall entrance that was mostly filled with Caravans and Suburbans, packed to maximum capacity (15 people) with nauseatingly annoying children, reckless parents and grandparents with aisle-blocking walkers. My assumption that grandparents stayed home and watched The Price is Right and children glued their eyes to the tube to watch cartoons, was completely wrong.

After making it through the entranceway, which was just a pre-test, it was now time for the big challenge. This is where the four-letter words and finger flipping begins. Trying to find a spot is always a challenge and since it is too early in the morning for people to be leaving the mall, the stalking method will not work.

I circled a few lots and finally I came to a spot where my car would fit conveniently between two beastly vehicles. I knew there would be two different colored racing stripes on the side of my car when I came back, but that is the sacrifice I had to make in order to purchase cheaper Christmas gifts.

Well now that I made it into the mall, it was time to walk around and swipe the credit card until my arm went numb.

My first trip was to Filenes where I had seen a painting that was on sale. In addition to the cheap painting, there was a large sale on bath linens; the perfect opportunity to pick up some cheap towels for myself. Because this was the largest sale in the store, every mini-van driving parent and their children were rummaging through the towels. For the next 45 minutes I was forced to listen to whining kids, parents screaming their missing kids' name and complaints that the items weren't cheap enough even with the 65 percent off: "I thought this was supposed to be a sale, not a robbery. JONATHAN!"

Continued...

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